If you've come across this post you've done so on your own. I decided not to "share" this the way I normally would. In fact, this is a selfish post--completely for me, an attempt to find a little peace of mind. In essence, I suppose you've stumbled across one of my personal diary entries. I warn you, my thoughts are all over the place at the moment--so this might read as a jumbled mess. This last week has been hard for me. Really hard. My former classmate lost his son--he was just four years old. I'm not sure why his death effected me so. Perhaps it was because I knew his father. While I can't claim that we were friends, he is definitely someone I would speak to if we came across each other in public. On Facebook I'd casually like his post and type my signature little smiley faces if something was going good in his world--but that was that. Perhaps it was because my classmate is one of the first people (my age) that I've known to lose a child. Of course people have experienced miscarriages--which I imagine to be equally as devastating--but this was a child with a personality--a very real contributor to his family dynamic.
Perhaps it was because I am now a mom myself and can fully relate to the love that a parent has for their child. I can't imagine, not even for a moment, not having my little bad butt--it's too painful. My son means the absolute world to me. Or perhaps it was the fact that the boy did not die right away. He was a fighter and he fought the good fight for days. Had the initial Facebook post been a definitive announcement of death maybe it wouldn't have shaken me so (who knows). Instead it felt like there was hope, it felt like there was something I could do. I could pray...
I can't tell you the last time I prayed so hard--honestly I can't. I was at work when I found out the full details of the situation and I excused myself to the car. I prayed until my body shook and tears fell from my eyes. This child, this baby meant something--even to me, a woman that had never even met him a day in her life. I was devastated when I found out that he had passed. Words can't describe the way that I felt--the way that I still feel. I mourned his lost, a child that I didn't know, more than I have some people that I did. His death left me with so many questions and for the lack of a better word, it all felt so unfair.
I must say, my classmate (as well as his wife) has been a shinning example of putting your whole faith in God. Through it all they have continued to praise Him and they've made it quite clear that they still believe in His goodness despite the situation. I hope that I can be that strong in my faith, but I pray that I never have to. This situation has actually put a lot of things into perspective for me. Today I came across a size 4t blazer that I bought for my son when he was around two years old. I couldn't do anything but stare at it for awhile...had my reaching into the future been faith or ignorance? My husband and I live for the weekend and make plans of what to do each week with our little one. So often we go through our lives thinking that our plans will come to fruition unless we have a mind to change them. Unfortunately, that doesn't have to be so. Never before have I identified so closely with the notion that life is a gift. More than ever I realize that nothing is truly promised and every day should be savored for the precious treasure that it is.
I can't tell you how many times I've looked at my son over the course of the last few days and simply appreciated him for being. He's actually avoided a few whoopings because I've been caught in my feelings :-) What can I say? I'm just thankful that he's here. I am sure that my classmate would give anything to have a tantrum throwing brat in his house right about now. Somehow, I just know it.
As the days go on, my prayer is that the family finds peace--the kind that passes all understanding. I also hope that the transition for the other children can be as good as one can expect. I trust that baby boy is having a heck of a time playing in heaven. His life, though short, touched me in such a way that he will never be forgotten. Perhaps he may even be the vehicle to bring me closer to God. The situation has left me in such a place that I can't turn to anyone for understanding, but Him.
If anything positive can come out of a situation so heartbreaking, for me it would have to be my new outlook. The things that I thought were troubles all seem so insignificant now. Moreover, I feel the need to truly go after what I want. I 'm a romance author--the rest of the world just doesn't know it yet, but it's fine time that they do. I want to chase after everything that God has for me and I think you should too. But most of all I have a new appreciation for those that I love.
At the end of the day, the most important thing in life is life--we only have one and we have no idea when it's going to come to an end. So my new mission is to make sure that the people I love know it and to seize each and every day that I am given. Rest in Heaven Baby Angel & thank you for the lesson...
Xo
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